I am going to be 100% honest on here. I am of two minds during this Coronavirus pandemic and the subsequent effects on the economy.
I am grateful.
- My family has been sound of health so far, and we don’t have any infections and therefore no deaths. I can’t emphasize how thankful I am for this.
- My home is safe, my finances are safe, my husband is still working, and my brother is also working – even though I am not working.
- I have every service I could want delivered to my home. Food, books, medication, distractions… all to my front door.
- I have the ability to connect to others in a multitude of ways. I am talking to them on the phone, texting them on so many different messaging platforms, video calling, playing multiplayer games, having virtual happy hours, and teaching web dev classes to help others.
- I have pets that show up and bring moments of calm and joy because unlike me they live in today, in this moment. Their life is being engaged wholly with the now and to interact with them – you have to be that way too. It’s unbelievably helpful.
- My home has provided me space to both be by myself, or enjoy things like cooking, gardening, or just hanging out with my husband and brother. I’m grateful for space that I can use in those ways.
- The weather has been beautiful. Sunshine, breezes, and an open, lush, private backyard are a sanctuary.
I am stressed.
- I worry about the future state of my family’s health.
- I wonder where the economy is going – and if I need to consider a different way of life.
- I am furloughed from my job so I am doing my best to work at sharpening skills in the time that was usually devoted to work.
- My schedule is all messed up, and my sleep is impacted.
- I have nightmares every night and I can’t seem to pinpoint why.
- I am talking to recruiters, applying for jobs, wondering if I am going to wind up going back to work for a dying company.
- I miss in-person interactions. Not seeing anyone for weeks really produces an emptiness inside me in a place that’s never been empty before. It’s weird.
And it’s okay to have that dichotomy. I also have a lot of faith both in my God and in myself.
I have the shoulders of many people in my history to lean on. The blood of survivors, opportunists, of hopeful and strong people — it runs in my veins – and I believe I belong in that line.
I have decided to allow myself to steep in the gratitude I have but also allow myself to feel the strain. Supressing those feelings because I “should be grateful instead” is just going to give me further issues later down the line. Wholly allowing myself to feel them lets me face them.. and helps me be free of them in time. I have learned that you have to ride life like the ocean that it is… and that it’s okay if your boat is on the swell or the dip, only that you don’t stop steering.
One of the coping mechanisms I have developed is expressing myself creatively. I have picked up ProCreate again – and last night I drew a little mandala over about 30 minutes. It helped me release a lot of tension from yesterday, where I went from walking coworker through a mock interview, to myself getting on a phone interview, to studying, to finding out a coworker I care for a lot has found a new job elsewhere, to discovering that my local government has decided to reopen high-risk jobs prematurely. I ate a lot of carbs yesterday… but I also did this:
And afterwards, I felt much much better.
It’s a ride. I am on it.
It’s my hope that everyone else is doing as well as possible. You are in my thoughts – and I am here to talk if you need an ear.